Class Notes | 11th Grade Driver's Ed | Road Maps to Loving Your Neighbors

In keeping up with Suleika Jaouad's 100-Day Project, I opened my Book of Alchemy a couple days ago to this prompt: 

"Write about a time you realized you were struggling. What prompted the uncovering? What resources did you turn to in the wake of it? What is your relationship with that particular struggle like today?" 

One day a while back on an afternoon walk, a friend and mentor noticed that my hair was clean, dry and somewhat tame, and that I was wearing real pants - a rare occasion in the harder seasons I had recently come through. She complimented me on my appearance, and pointed out that she could tell where my Wellness Gauge was by noticing just two things about me - if my hair was washed and my public clothing choice. I started to think about this and observed that I don't always notice the moment when my Wellness Gauge starts dipping. Before I know it, I'm out of gas and riding the Struggle Bus.

M pointed out in the most gentle way that I have some road signs to look for that tell me when I need to stop and refuel.

The other day, I was hastily getting ready for work (road sign #1) and stopped when I realized - I don't have any clean underwear. I went to the mirror and, sure enough - a dry-shampoo ridden messy bun piled on the top of my head. From there, other signs came into view: We have been eating out a little more often than usual. I've felt tired.

I recently wrote in my journal: 

Lately, I've been sleeping in a little longer. I don't always make it to the window every morning to whistle at my husband as he leaves for work at 5:30am. As Mary Oliver would say, I haven't been running, half-dressed and barefoot into the garden to greet the flowers with their honeyed heaviness. I haven't been starting my days here, on the page. In fact, it's 8:30pm and my very cuddleable husband is downstairs on the couch, alone and uncuddled. And here I am squeezing in a last-minute journal entry with still half a page of writing to go...

I've started to identify some other road signs in my life that help me notice when I am swerving. A tool I've come to love is the Enneagram - a personality model that describes nine interconnected personality types, each defined by a core motivation, fear, and underlying strategy for navigating the world. You can learn more about it here. 

The Enneagram is also unique in that it doesn't just describe your tendencies, but it helps you understand why you have those tendencies, how they impact your travels among healthy and unhealthy behavior patterns and how those patterns intersect with other personality types. 

Think of it like a road map of your relationships: 

In the road maps above, the top image shows the location of the nine basic types. The diagram underneath that on the left are the names given to each of the nine types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, creators and developers of the Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator (RHETI). Let's call these our "Cities". 

The Cities are divided up into three Counties, which you can see zoned on the bottom right map. These Counties were established based on shared assets and liabilities. For example, Fours share unique assets involving authenticity, emotional intuition and creativity, and their liabilities can look like moody melancholy, self-indulgence and self-pity.  

In other counties, an Eight is self-confident and strong-willed with a passionate inner drive for justice, and a Six might rely heavily on their sense of logic and intuition to Drive their decisions after getting all the facts.

Here's where it gets interesting - if we add another layer to the map, we will see the highways we travel during the ups and downs of life:

Left: Directions of Disintegration | Right: Directions of Integration

Each City is connected by two highways: Direction of Disintegration or Stress, and Direction of Integration or Growth. In our examples, a Four will travel Disintegration Highway toward the unhealthy behavior patterns of Two, an Eight will adopt the patterns of a stressed out Five, and a Six will hit the highway to the more underdeveloped areas of Three.

In contrast, Directions of Integration are traveled when we are in seasons of health and growth. A Four might explore the road to the organized and on-time City of One, an Eight might let their soft side explore the Beautiful scenery of The Feeling Center, and a Six might let their logic take the backseat as they let their gut instinct drive. 

In both cases, these highways are lined with road signs that help you determine where you are and where you are heading. But not just that - it helps you see where others are at and the roads that they are traveling. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it looks like to meet others where they are at. What I've come to realize is that these Counties all speak different languages, each City with its own dialect. And in order to really connect with someone different than you, it's crucial to learn a common language or means of communication. 

As I discover that Eights have a fear of being harmed or controlled by others, their desire for seeking protection and protecting others starts to make a little more sense. When I notice that other Fours in my life that I love start becoming reclusive and fearful like the traits of an unhealthy Five, I am better able to help lovingly point out the roadsigns that point them back toward Interstate Integration, like M did for me. And when the beloved Six's in my life seem to be trapped in their head and anxious from overthinking, I might gently help remind them of their past peaceful travels to the receptive and reassuring City of Nine.

There's one more road sign we should talk about: DO NOT ENTER. These are flashing warnings that show you that you're going down a dangerous road. Once you notice these signs, it's time to pull over for some maintenance. 

So what might Jesus have to say about all of this? Well, for starters he might mention the controversy surrounding the Enneagram in Christian circles due to its occult origins, and remind us that the question behind our journey is not, "Can God be found here?" but rather, "Am I unwilling to find God here?"

Next, He might tell us to take a look at the fruit stands on the side of the road we are traveling; they can be a road sign of their own: "Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thorn bushes, or grapes from briers." (Luke 7:44)

My Dad taught me how to drive, first on a bike on neighborhood sidewalks, then on a four-wheeler on the rocky slopes of the mountain we lived on. When I was finally behind the wheel of a real vehicle on real roads, he would remind me over and over, just as he always did : You're always looking. Always looking. 

Homework Questions: 

1. What are the red lights and green lights you can identify in seasons of growth and stress? How can identifying these help you stay on a healthy path? 

2. What kind of fruit do you see on the road that you are currently traveling? Is there a loved one in your life that might need you to pull over and help water their garden?  

3. What would it look like to learn the language of the the unique fears and motivations for those dear to you? What would it look like to share your own unique fears and motivations with others? 

"Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34-35)