From Neverland to Wonderland | Growing Up & Growing Down

The soul has many secrets. They are only revealed to those who want them and are never forced upon us. One of the best-kept secrets, and yet one Hidden in plain sight, is that the way up is the way down - or, if you prefer, the way down is the way up.

- Fr. Richard Rohr

Heroes & Villains

Shortly after the close of my business, I was introduced to a book called Falling Upward by Fr. Richard Rohr, who suggests that there are two halves of life and that a journey into the second half of life awaits us all. He writes:

There is much evidence on several levels that there are at least two major tasks to human life. The first task is to build a strong "container" or identity; the second is to find the contents that the container was meant to hold...

It is when we begin to pay attention and seek integrity precisely in the task within the task  that we begin to move from the first to the second half of our lives. Integrity largely has to do with purifying our intentions and a growing honesty about our actual motives. It is hard work. 

Most often, we don't pay attention to that inner task until we have had some kind of fall or failure in our outer tasks. 

He goes on list this loss and renewal pattern that shows up throughout Scripture, from Jacob's injury from wrestling with God before he received his blessing, to the death and resurrection of Jesus Himself. It seems to be a central theme throughout Scripture - loss and renewal, death and resurrection. 

There was a peace that came with the realization that I was not special in having Fallen. I related with Jacob, the deceiver. I related with Simon, the denier. I related with Paul, the persecutor. Perhaps I was right on track in my journey; that is - that I wasn't the extraordinary villain I believed I was. Perhaps I was just...Human?

With Jesus' Invitation to Seek His Righteousness in mind, 'Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you,' this is the door I decided to knock on: What does it mean to be 'Human'?

Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest Garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway; 'and even if my head would go through,' thought poor Alice, 'it would be of very little use without my shoulders... 

Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.' For you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible. 

A platitude I often heard in recovery circles was 'the art of being right-sized'. This comes from the Seventh Step of Alcoholics Anonymous: 'Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.' Throughout her Adventures in Wonderland, Alice scuffled with being either too big or too small for where she wanted to go. Both are issues of Pride.  

Alice found out early that Wonderland had a built-in solution for Growing Up & Growing Down: bottles labeled 'Drink Me' and biscuits labeled 'Eat Me'. At first, she couldn't quite get the hang of becoming right-sized. Her heights led her to create an ocean of tears that she almost drowned in, and at her smallest she almost went out like a candle! 

At one point she found herself to be only about three inches high. While searching for something to eat or drink to change size again, she ran into a peculiar caterpillar. Let's listen to their exchange:  

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. 

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I - I hardly know, sir, just a present - at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.' 

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!' 

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.' 

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar. 

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.' 

In my first essay series on Peter Pan, I explored 'Christian Maturity'. I had recently been called 'childish', and it stung. It stung because it felt true, but I didn't want to believe it. I so desperately wanted to be a 'Grown Up', to become all of the things that I knew I was capable of if I could just...behave. 

What I hadn't realized at the time, was that I was experiencing a medically-diagnosed behavioral dis-order*. There was a familiar peace that washed over me when I read a description of my mental health diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, in the DSM-5; an unexpected rejoicing each time I read out a symptom and exclaimed, "Oh, my God, that's me!" A rejoicing because I had experienced again the realization that I wasn't special or alone in my suffering. In fact, I discovered I was so un-special, I was merely one among millions with the same 'Problems List'!

Borderline Personality Disorder: a mental health condition characterized by long-term patterns of unstable moods, intense relationships, a poor self-image, and impulsive behavior. Symptoms may include extreme fear of abandonment, frantic efforts to avoid it, identity disturbance, self-harm or suicidal behaviors, mood-swings, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense, inappropriate anger, brief episodes of paranoia or distortions in perception or belief under stress. Treatment often involves psychotherapy. 

Psychotherapy. What a scary word. It was scary to me because I had recently read a letter never meant for my eyes that called me dramatic for seeking medical attention when I was dangerously close to going out like a candle. And it stung. It stung because it felt un-true, and yet, I believed it. How downside-up my world was. 

* A clarification: diagnosed mental health disorders are not an excuse for poor behavior. Knowingly engaging in personality disorder symptoms as a form of manipulation is like an alcoholic picking up a drink and blaming it on their alcoholism. You always have a choice.

Can we pause our story for a moment here and take a closer look at the prevalence and impact mental un-health in so many other people's stories, too? This taken from the National Alliance on Mental Illness:

• 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year.
• 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year.
• 50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24; the average delay onset of mental illness symptoms and treatment is 11 years.
• Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-14 and the 3rd leading cause of death among those aged 15-24 in the U.S.
• 46% of people who die by suicide had a diagnosed mental health condition.
• 90% of people who die by suicide may have experienced symptoms of a mental health condition, according to interviews with family, friends and medical professionals (also known as a psychological autopsy). 

Even as someone included in those statistics, I was horrified when I read this. I hope they moved you in some way, too. Those numbers represent real people, with real pain, that not only affects their lives but the lives of their families and communities, employers / employees, health care professionals, government officials, the economy** and the list expands; there are few places where the ripple effects of mental un-health haven't reached. 

For those of you affected directly by a mental illness, you are not alone. He sees you. And He loves you. It took me this journey to discover that Truth. 

So my head was too big to fit through the little door that led to the Beautiful Garden. What was I to do about it? 

At that time, the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"

He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And He said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the humble position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes Me."
Matthew 18:1-5

I don't have any children, but I was a child once. I was Curious - what might it look like to return to her? To sit down with her and listen to her stories? To get our hands messy together digging in the dirt? To paint something terrifically imperfect and hang it on the fridge anyway? 

To ask her, 'Beloved, how did you do it?' 

**A Post Script:

Organizations like Project Hope understand the 'Hidden Crisis' of the global mental health pandemic. With over 1,000 employees in more than 25 countries across five continents, Project Hope seeks to provide urgent relief and transformative solutions for both the physical and mental well-being of communities around the world, recognizing the impact that these forms of wellness have on each other. In the article linked above, Emma Schwartz reveals a few more shocking facts: 

• Those with mental health issues are more susceptible to facing other health challenges, including dangerous cardiovascular and metabolic diseases. People with depression have a 40% higher risk of developing these conditions, while people with serious mental illness are nearly twice as likely.

• The mental health crisis doesn't just have medical and social repercussions - it also has a serious financial cost. The global economy loses about $1 trillion each year due to depression and anxiety. It's estimated that mental health conditions could cost the economy as much as $16 trillion between 2011 and 2030.

• A huge portion of the population - as much as 70% - doesn't receive treatment for mental illness. Why? Obstacles include lack of resources and trained health workers, but in many cases the social stigma about mental health is the greatest barrier to care. 

• Around 1 in 4 Americans seeking mental health treatment worry about what others will think. Even though more than half of Americans seek mental health services, there is still an unfortunate and sometimes debilitating social stigma surrounding mental illness. A new national survey reveals 7 in 10 Americans believe there is a mental health stigma, and 27% of Americans say shame or embarrassment might discourage them from seeking treatment.